Even though I have been out of high school for many years, my memories of the devastation caused by the demands of school still remain strong in my mind. After returning from cross country practice in the evening and rushing dinner to crack the textbook that awaited me, tears often fell onto my pages under the pressure—self-imposed, social, and familial—to be perfect with achieve the highest grades, excel in every class and extracurriculars, and enter the best universities.
Today, teens are under just as much pressure—if not more, thanks to the increasing weight of comparison on social media—and we know more about how bad it is for their mental health.
The obsession with success is a topic that interests journalist Jennifer Breheny Wallace, the mother of 19, 17 and 14 year olds. He began researching the topic when his oldest son was in eighth grade, and published his findings in a book. published last year, It’s Never Enough: When Achievement Cultures Become Toxic—And What We Can Do About It.
“Achievement is not the issue,” Wallace said Property he studied. “That’s how we talk about accomplishments.”
In the most extreme cases, teens turn to drug abuse, isolation, depression, and suicidal thoughts when they feel under constant pressure to achieve and believe they cannot meet it.
But after conducting two national surveys of more than 6,000 parents and 500 young adults as part of his research, Wallace discovered important patterns to ensure children can be successful, both academically and mentally, and on the path to becoming capable adults. adapt well. Below, some of Wallace’s advice on how parents can provide protection from the storm of toxic teenage stress.
Show your child the joy you feel in being their parent
Wallace said one of the first things parents can do is make home a “sanctuary” from the stress they feel at school and on social media that they constantly have to reach.
To do this, minimize criticism and prioritize compassion, Wallace said. He uses the phrase “greet them like the family dog greets you” when they arrive home: In other words, show them the pure joy you get just from being their parent. Instead of immediately asking how they did on the test the moment they walk through the door, he says, ask how they did.
This turns the home into “a place where our children never feel like they have to do a certain thing to be loved by us,” Wallace says. Property.
Help them see that they matter beyond accomplishments
One of the biggest takeaways Wallace found in his research was the importance of “matter.” This is when children feel they are valued and add value to the world around them, he explains. Those feelings should go beyond test scores, where they went to college, what they look like, and what kind of awards they received.
“We love our children unconditionally, but they don’t always feel that we value them unconditionally,” Wallace said.
He noticed that the kids who were having the most trouble felt that their goals depended on performance—causing them to be reluctant to take big risks for fear of failure that would take away from their grades.
But how do you help your child feel like they matter? By getting to know them, Wallace said. Show them that they add value to the world because of who they are. He says that even by noticing the little things about them—how cute they are, the little things you like about them—you show them that you value their whole person, not just their measurable accomplishments.
When children feel that they matter, Wallace said, this acts as a “protective shield,” and often has the added benefit of enabling them to be more successful. They are willing to strive to achieve larger goals because they know that they matter beyond the outcome, he said.
“Through things that matter…we give our kids the kind of healthy fuel that drives them to achieve, and accomplish things that matter beyond individual success and continued development,” Wallace said. “It gives our kids a sense of purpose.”
For help in getting to know your child, Wallace recommends the Values in Action survey, which can guide parents and children to better understand their unique character strengths.
“Signal to kids that you believe they can do this,” Wallace says. And if they can’t, he adds, make sure they know that your love doesn’t waver. “The main task of parents is to support the development of children’s self-awareness.”
Be their biggest supporter
It’s also important not to let your frustrations negatively impact interactions around schoolwork.
If your child is having difficulty, instead of getting frustrated, start investigating the underlying reasons, suggests Wallace. Are they having a hard time socially? Is their workspace at home too distracting?
Wallace said parents can help children focus on completing work at home by making plans together, rather than just focusing on the results of their work. This is often easier when parents lean on their children’s strengths while being involved in the process. Parents are often programmed to focus on what went wrong, he said, rather than what they did well.
However, Wallace says, it’s important to “let your child know you’re on their team,” and that means helping them focus on their strengths.
Pay attention to how you share feedback
How you communicate your frustration is also important. If you feel upset with them, Wallace says to make sure you “separate the act from the perpetrator.” You may not like what they do, but you have to make sure they know that you still love them.
“It’s really one of the most challenging things to be a parent,” Wallace admits, especially when you’re tired, stressed, and low on bandwidth. Be patient and put yourself in the right frame of mind to express your feelings, so your child knows that you are not thinking they bad, even if his behavior is bad.
Be aware of status anxiety
For millennials who felt financial pressure and economic uncertainty due to the 2008 recession and are now parents, Wallace said that they have begun to “safeguard” their children’s economic future by encouraging them to attend prestigious universities. This is what he calls “status anxiety”, namely parents putting pressure on their children because they are afraid that their children will face economic difficulties if they do not excel.
The impact, Wallace said, is added stress that children don’t need.
If you’re subconsciously externalizing status anxiety in the way you talk to your kids, the first step is reflection and awareness, Wallace says. Next: Get clear on your values.
Wallace says the best way to combat this is to make sure you and your children are not surrounded by messages that activate status-seeking extrinsic values, such as getting high test scores, high incomes, and appearance-driven behavior. .
She recommends taking a closer look at your own calendar first—are you prioritizing things that bring you intrinsic satisfaction, like family dinners and time with friends? Wallace says you want to model behavior that ensures your children don’t prioritize achieving extrinsic goals, which can lead to a lack of meaning and self-worth if values come from goals around status over meaningful goals.
Also look at their calendar, he says, to see what kind of values they’re putting into their time.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself
Parents are also under a lot of pressure, Wallace said. The Surgeon General’s latest advice on the wellbeing of older people highlights financial stress, isolation and loneliness, and cultural pressures as just some of the factors causing the mental health crisis for older people today.
In a survey Wallace conducted with Harvard (published in his book) of more than 6,000 parents in early 2020, 83% of parents somewhat or strongly agreed that their children’s academic success reflected their parenting. And now, they may be panicking as they try to balance worrying about their children’s future with not being overly supportive of their children’s success.
But Wallace’s one takeaway for parents trying to manage their own stress is: “Never worry alone.”
Instead, prioritize a strong support network, which can be built by clarifying your values. Because valuing meaningful relationships will not only reduce parental isolation through a strong support system, Wallace says, it will also model intrinsic values and healthy behavior for your children.
“Being a parent has never been more difficult,” he said. “You deserve support…surrounding yourself with people who value you.”
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